How Church Revitalizers Can Navigate Difficult People with Grace and Strategy

 

 

If you’re a church revitalizer, there’s a good chance you’ve got a well-worn copy of Well-Intentioned Dragons by Marshall Shelley on your shelf. I know I do—and I’ve flipped through it more times than I’d like to admit. Why? Because every church has them: difficult people. They’re the abrasive ones, the ones who rub others the wrong way. But here’s the truth we can’t forget—they’re still people Jesus died for, people we’re called to love and minister to, no matter how challenging they make it.

 

These folks tend to fall into two camps: the aggressives and the passives. The aggressives are the controllers—think hostile personalities or clique leaders—who want to run the show. The passives, on the other hand, drag their feet—apathetic, lonely, or clinging to fading traditions. Aggressives dominate the agenda; passives slow the momentum. Both can stall a church’s renewal if left unchecked. So, how do you deal with them? Here’s a practical strategy to keep the mission moving forward without losing your sanity—or your love.

 

A Game Plan for Coping with Difficult Personalities

 

1. Pinpoint the Real Problem

 

Start by getting to the root. What’s sparking the tension? Is it a specific issue—like a change in worship style—or a deeper power struggle? You can’t fix what you don’t understand.

 

2. Bless Be the Ties—or Not 

 

How tight is the bond between these controllers and the church’s leadership? Strong ties might mean more influence (and more resistance), while weaker ones could make redirection easier. Know the relational landscape.

 

3. Count the Costs 

 

Weigh the impact of their behavior. Are their actions a minor annoyance you can overlook, or are they derailing the church’s mission? Some battles aren’t worth fighting; others you can’t afford to ignore.

 

4. Seek God’s Solution First

 

Before you act, pray. What options do you have? God’s wisdom often reveals paths we’d miss in our frustration—like a gentle redirect instead of a showdown.

 

5. Aim for a Win-Win

 

Can you find a solution that keeps the church on track and honors the person? Maybe a controller could lead a smaller project, channeling their energy constructively. It’s not always possible, but it’s worth exploring.

 

6. Have the Meetings Before the Meetings

 

Work one-on-one behind the scenes. Public confrontations can escalate strife, but private conversations can build understanding and alignment. Discretion saves drama.

 

7. Love Is the Antidote 

 

Lead with God’s love—firm, but kind. Love doesn’t mean tolerating chaos; it means addressing it with grace and resolve. Firmness without love breeds resentment; love without firmness enables dysfunction.

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:17-18 (NIV)

 

When the Dragon Is on Staff

 

Sometimes the challenge isn’t in the pews—it’s on your team. A difficult staff member calls for a different approach: performance counseling. Don’t wing it—plan it. Document it. These sessions aren’t just for problems; they’re for growth too.

You might need one when:

– Performance is slipping.

– You want their input on an issue.

– You see potential for them to level up.

– You’re reviewing a past project for lessons learned.

– You’re offering future-focused advice.

– There’s a clear issue to address.

 

Preparation is key. Know what you want to say, what questions to ask, and how to answer theirs concisely.

 

Questions like these can guide the conversation:

 

– “What do you enjoy most about this ministry?”

– “What frustrates you day-to-day?”

– “How would you improve our operations?”

– “Are there any systems or traditions you think we should let go of?”

– “Have you got a timeline in mind for changes—feel safe sharing it with me?”

 

Asking questions doesn’t just clarify—it builds trust. And trust is gold when you’re navigating tension.

 

Loving the Dragons into the Mission

 

Difficult people—whether aggressive controllers or passive resisters—aren’t the enemy. They’re part of the flock. Yes, they’ll test your patience. Yes, they’ll complicate revitalization. But with a clear strategy and a heart anchored in God’s love, you can turn friction into forward motion. Pinpoint the issue, pray for wisdom, and lead with both firmness and grace. You might not tame every dragon, but you can guide them—and your church—toward the mission God’s called you to. After all, revitalization isn’t about avoiding the hard stuff; it’s about walking through it with purpose.